ANY IDIOTS IN THE ROOM?

An accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands… clear up to his elbows… he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, “I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean.”

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, “I graduated from the University of Colorado, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious.”

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, “I graduated from the University of Nebraska, and they taught us not to piss on our hands.”

Tip the pizza delivery boy

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: “What is the usual tip?”

“Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.” “Is that so?” snorted Larry. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”

“Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.”

“What are you studying in school?” asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: “Applied psychology.

Mental Institution

Santa, Banta and one of their friends are patients in a mental institution and are preparing for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If they pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes them to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then Banta jumps and breaks both legs.
Santa looks over the side and refuses to jump.
“Congratulations! You`re a free man. Just tell me why didn`t you jump?” asked the doctor.
To which Santa answered, “Well Doc, I can`t swim!”

ANY IDIOTS IN THE ROOM ?

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

THE ATTRACTIVE UNDER GRADUATE

One day, a very attractive under graduate visited the professor's office. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee "accidentally", etc.
Finally, the undergraduate said, "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest."
The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?"
To which the undergradute cooed, "Yes, anything you say."
After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?"
The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then."
The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that."